my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Randomize
