my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I need to sanitize my soul.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize