Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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