I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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