My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
God I need to hump something, right now.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
