i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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