my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
