My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
