come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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