Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize