girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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