new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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