Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
