Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Your mouth is God's brothel.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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