Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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