So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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