Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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