seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
