someone threw a dead crab at me
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
