I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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