Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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