I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
