As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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