Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
