dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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