I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
