I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
