Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
