i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
