just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sober January is a disaster.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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