You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
