When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
