Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
