I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
