Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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