We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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