Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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