hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
