And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
