I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You are the jesus of drinking
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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