You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
