His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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