I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Welp...herpes.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
