Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
