dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
