That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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