I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
