Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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