That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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