I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
