hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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