My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
