apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
