im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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