Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Plan B is the new Plan A
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
