i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
