fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i drank out of a bidet.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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